PROTECT the SHIELD

The Colts are the NFL's Dexter

2007-10-30T12:32:00.000-04:00

If you are not watching Dexter on Showtime, you are truly missing out on the best show on television. For those of you who are culturally inept, Dexter is a serial killer; but Dexter only kills other murderers. He protects the innocent and avenges injustices.

We usually dislike the Colts, we have nightmares of Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison burning Darrent Williams and Roc Alexander.

The Colts have not lost a game since last December, they continue to screw us over in fantasy football, and yet we will be rooting for them heavily this week.

Why? Because they are playing the Patriots, the NFL's force of true evil. We need the Colts to kill the Patriots. We need them to act like Dexter and use their forces of lesser evil to defeat those that serve to shatter the foundations of our society.

WTF is with Jason Whitlock?

2007-10-18T22:46:00.000-04:00

At times it appears that Jason Whitlock has dreams of becoming the Ann Coulter of the sports world. We hope that this does not lead to black cocktail dresses becoming a staple of Mr. Whitlock's wardrobe, however.

After defending Don Imus and attacking Scoop Jackson for being a "ghetto clown," Whitlock must have realized that the time was ripe for him to create more controversy and get himself more attention to try and boost his ego.

Whitlock's latest column makes it a point to state that the NFL's two best teams (New England and Indianapolis) are the least black. However, Whitlock does not actually phrase it that way, throwing in players of non-white ethnic backgrounds into the mix in order to say that these teams are the "whitest". Whitlock counts players with names like Gonzalez, Guiterrez, Seau, and our favorite Naivote Taulawakeiaho Keiaho as examples of the "whiteness" of the two teams.

Whitlock then goes off on absurd statements about the vague boogeyman of "hip hop culture" that is a favorite of people as culturally aware as Bill O'Reilly. This passage stands out.

Football fans are aware of [Marvin] Lewis' love affair with Chad Johnson, the Flavor Flav of the gridiron. Johnson's insistence on conducting a minstrel show during games has long been reluctantlytolerated by Lewis.

The audacity of Whitlock to use a cultural institution that showed blacks joyously spending time on plantations is incredible to us. Whitlock is not ignorant of the absurdity of his comparison, he is using it to stoke controversy so more people will read his idiotic columns.

The worst part is that this trash is not even original. Whitlock used the exact same insult in an interview over a year ago. Talk about phoning it in.

Whitlock claims to be angry with players who have a me first attitude and try to draw attention to themselves. This coming from a man who wrote an open letter to Elvis Grbac in the Kansas City Star immediately after he became the Chiefs' starting quarterback to bash him before he even threw a pass. Including this gem in the letter.

"Hey, man. Remember me?" it opened ominously. "Black dude, about 6 feet 4, looks like a young Denzel Washington only more muscular?"

Ooooooookay, Jason.

But what does Chad Johnson do? He choreographs touchdown celebrations that are flamboyant. What is the problem with this? The Canadian Football League has no rules on touchdown celebrations. Teams regularly choreograph group dances and skits.

Recent dances include five Calgary Stampeders receivers celebrating a touchdown against the rival Saskatchewan Roughriders by holding out their hands and each pretending the football was a champagne bottle. They popped the cork, poured drinks for all and then stumbled around like they were drunk. Their latest end-zone routine was a simulated bobsleigh run — receiver Jeremaine Copeland sat down and wrapped his legs around the goal-line pylon. The rest of the receiving corps tucked in behind him, and the players swayed together in a pretend trip down a bobsleigh track. A very creative sketch by the same team was the four person stationary bicycle, which all players played a role for the bicycle.

Here's a video of Toronto Argonauts players pretending the football is a hand grenade, throwing it in the air and then playing dead as it hits the ground. And here's another dance from the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

Those touchdown celebrations include white players, so I highly doubt that any CFL fans who may find it disrespectful make allusions to minstrel shows in their criticisms of it. That would be blatantly unacceptable, just as it should be with Whitlock.

The problem here, is not the actions of black athletes in the NFL, it is columnists and demagogues like Whitlock who wish to generalize an entire group of Americans as holding the same "hip hop culture" because of the color of their skin. Chad Johnson is a cocky athlete who likes to celebrate. In this he joins athletes of every skin color across the planet, from soccer stars in Europe to white baseball players who skip down the baseline after they hit a home run.

Why is it acceptable to hold all black Americans accountable for actions by one individual that you find to be disrespectful? Why is it acceptable to slander black athletes that are difficult to coach when athletes from every corner of the globe are difficult to coach?

The simple and obvious answer is that is not.

Jason Whitlock is an idiot and a hypocrite. He claims that black athletes draw attention to themselves for no reason other than to gain the attention itself. Something that he believes to be inspired by some evil "hip hop culture." We will leave you with this quote from the Columbia Journalism Review on Whitlock.

"Most of you already know that Gretz is a joke," wrote Whitlock, "and that it would take a sledgehammer, two crowbars, a flame thrower, mace, and a stick of dynamite to remove his lips from Peterson's backside."

These and other personal jabs have cost Whitlock some respect among his Star colleagues - one sportswriter denounced him at a staff meeting - but boosted his standing with what editor Brisbane calls "our young, alienated, anti-establishment readers." "It's not about breaking news any more," worries Bob Moore, the Chiefs' public relations director. "It's about breaking chops."

Hypocrite.

Week 6: Joey Porter DID A BAD JOB

2007-10-16T15:44:00.000-04:00

We feel bad for Jason Taylor, we really do; even though he committed outright theft of the Defensive Player of the Year award in 2006. Mr. Taylor must feel like he's using a pick axe to chip away at a mountain every Sunday. A mountain that was created by the thoughts of his ten horrendous teammates. Like in the Never Ending Story. And just like Bastian in Fantastica we need to give the Dolphins defense a name. We'll shoot for oh, let's say:

JOEY PORTER

Now, we have no idea if Joey Porter feels guilty for perpetrating an even more blatant robbery than Taylor did. $32 million may be more criminal to steal than an award, in fact. Joey Porter put on Junior Seau's number, and apparently his arthritis came as a package deal. The guy is terrible. He guaranteed a win against Oakland, and all seemed well until the Raiders rushed for 299 yards and Daunte Culpepper made it rain all over Miami.

It's to the point where we imagine that Dolphins fans are locking and loading to shoot Mr. Porter in the ass to try and rejuvenate his career. Hey, it worked once, right? Porter has ZERO sacks this entire season and is on pace for a whopping fifty tackles.

Vice Admiral Kellen Winslow outright stomped on Porter and the rest of the Miami line backing corps, in what we wonder is possibly some conspiracy by the Ginn family to make sure Brady Quinn stays on the bench so Teddy and Cam aren't stabbed by an angry mob after Quinn lights up the league. The Ginn family engineered the further rise of Derek Anderson.

We now quote Joey Porter on Commodore Kellen Winslow.

"It was late, that's what faggots do. He's soft. He wants to be tough but he's really soft."

And he was so soft he lit your ass up.

IF YOU CANNOT KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND ARE CONSTANTLY WRONG WHILE SINGLEHANDEDLY TANKING THE ECONOMY OF SOUTH FLORIDA WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS SALARY YOU DID A BAD JOB...A TERRIBLE JOB.

Honorable Mentions:

Santana Moss
Kurt Warner
Dom Capers
Chicago Bears defense

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Week 5: Mike Shanahan DID A BAD JOB

2007-10-07T23:01:00.000-04:00

The San Diego Chargers are a bad football team, so bad in fact that it is possible Mike Shanahan woke up last Monday and saw San Diego on the schedule and thought "hmm, we have two bye weeks in a row."

How hard could it be? The Broncos play their games higher than any other team in the NFL, and that was before they signed Travis Henry. The altitude gives the Broncos an advantage that is difficult for any team to overcome.

Shanahan then proceeded to be out coached by Norv Turner, something that our stat department says has never happened in the history of football. It's the football equivalent of that ball hogging autistic kid draining eleven threes to run up the score.

Now, last season the Broncos were contending for first place until they changed QBs from THE SNAKE to THE GUNSLINGER. THE GUNSLINGER then proceeded to lose three games and the Broncos were eliminated from playoff contention.

So the obvious decision was to fire the defensive coordinator. The Broncos hired Jim Bates who shored up Denver's defensive line by signing free-lance fat person Sam Adams to fatten up the front seven.

Sir Fattington couldn't do anything to stop Michael Turner from rushing for 150 yards in relief of LTBNRLT who could only muster 3.2 YPC after wearing himself out from all the post game press conference crying over the past two weeks.

After the game, Phillip Rivers called the Broncos defense "Vanilla", and if anybody knows Vanilla, it's Phillip Rivers.

IF YOU COACH A TEAM SO POORLY THAT THEY LOSE AT HOME BY THE WORST MARGIN IN FORTY YEARS TO A TEAM THAT IS A WALKING PUNCH LINE, YOU DID A BAD JOB...A TERRIBLE JOB.

Honorable Mentions:

Shaun Alexander
Drew Brees
Larry Johnson

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Belts, shoelaces confiscated in San Diego

2007-10-02T15:07:00.000-04:00

It's been a tough week to be a San Diego sports fan. The Padres choked away the season over the weekend, and the Chargers playoff chances have been AJ Smithed, leading the entire Bolts Nation to long for the days of 2nd and 12 draw plays, heralding the promise of Marty Ball.

With LTBNRLT crying at press conferences, and Jake Peavy showing that his choking is no longer an illusion of sample size, we have to believe that most of San Diego is currently on suicide watch.

Padres bloggers are giving their own LTBNRLT press conferences as well. Over at Gaslamp Ball they're lashing out at the world, accusing Matt Holliday of roiding. This coming from fans of a team that includes not one, but both Giles brothers. Irony abounds. Supernatural conspiracy theories are also being invoked.

It just seems a little indicative of the fact that deep down inside, everybody knew that something else was working against the Padres. Call it a curse. Call it a lack of faith. There was something else working against us and it was palpable and it would not be satisfied until we were eliminated.

Obviously they have forgotten that the Colorado Rockies are the chosen team of Jesus Christ,the only Son of God, begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father.

But we urge San Diego fans to move on from the denial phase and accept that purely natural forces were at work, like Trevor Hoffman's blocked esophagus. Embrace the choke, learn to live with it.

Don't Stop BOLLieving!

2007-10-01T01:38:00.000-04:00

We don't understand exactly why Brian Billick and the rest of the Ravens coaching staff hates Kyle Boller. When he was a Fuckin Soldier in Week 2 the write up for that week made it clear just how baffling we found the decision replace him with the aging Steve McNair.

The stars aligned for Baltimore, and McNair missed time with injury for three consecutive weeks, and Kyle Boller stepped in and showed himself to be clearly the superior quarterback.

We noticed that Steve McNair once again got the start against Cleveland, and our thoughts were immediately "WTF? Are they blind?"

Apparently the Ravens coaching staff is. McNair threw the ball nearly 55 times and yet he still couldn't get into the endzone until garbage time, throwing an interception and allowing the Derek Anderson led Browns to throttle Baltimore.

The people of Baltimore need to step up and demand a change, they need to start to BOLLieve in Kyle.

Be a BOLLievER! Demand change, reap the rewards, Baltimore.

Unfortunate celebration snapshots

2007-10-01T01:18:00.001-04:00

The champagne fueled celebrations across the baseball world that happen annually at the end of September are a tradition. They're All-American, wholesome fun. It would, of course, be juvenile to take sections of these celebrations out of context and then laugh at how, uh... silly, they look as a result So why is this photo currently on the main page of ESPN.com?

We believe ESPN could have made a better choice. Something along the lines of this would be appropriate next time, we believe. Clean, wholesome, and something that the people of Boston (or Philadelphia) would obviously embrace.

Week 4: Brian Griese DID A BAD JOB

2007-09-30T23:36:00.000-04:00

Was the competition for BAD JOB tough this week, or what?

Marc Bulger was doing his very best to become the first back to back winner in the history of our humble award, Phillip Rivers was playing so bad that he was making Chargers fans wish, inexplicably along with Saints fans, that Drew Brees was still in San Diego.

And at Shea Stadium Tom Glavine gave up a touchdown to the Florida Marlins in one third of an inning in his bid to become the first cross-sport winner.

Unfortunately, we only reward bad play on the gridiron here at BAD JOB and thankfully one player set himself apart with his horrible play today.

Brian Griese seemed to have everything going for him at one point including being blessed with great genes. How many NFL quarterbacks can say that their dads won a Super Bowl despite having a white running back? Griese will certainly be the last, because Bulger Jr. won't be hearing any such stories from his pops this week.

After riding the bench in Chicago Griese was spending long nights with his iPod Nano listening, pleading along with Leslie Feist "One, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more...than Rex Grossman."

And Lovie Smith did just that this week, starting Griese over Sexy Rexy against the Lions. It didn't work out like everybody in Chicago was hoping for, even though they weren't hoping for much. Griese was playing catch less with his receivers and more with the Detroit Lions secondary culminating with a patented Griese 65 yard pick six to Keith Smith to give Detroit the lead.

Devin Hester was having Larry Coker flashbacks and couldn't take this losing **** anymore, he juked out fifteen guys in an attempt to help Griese, but it wasn't enough.

3 INTERCEPTIONS

WHEN THE HOPES OF AN ENTIRE CITY ARE RESTING ON YOU TO JUST NOT SUCK, AND YOU DO, YOU DID A BAD JOB...A TERRIBLE JOB.

Honorable Mentions:

Marc Bulger
Phillip Rivers
Willie Parker
Miami Run Defense
Tom Glavine

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

ESPN has covered up the existence of an entire timezone

2007-09-26T21:59:00.001-04:00

Major League Baseball contains a franchise located between St. Louis and Phoenix. You would not know this if you watched ESPN, though due to the media blackout that Bristol has placed over the Colorado Rockies.

Despite the fact that the Rockies have the best record in the National League since May 1st, ESPN has saw fit to ignore them on Sports Center and Baseball Tonight. Not that we really wish to hear Eric Young's opinions on hardball played in the inter-mountain west, but still. Maybe we can cut down on the segments where Steve Phillips has a battle royale with himself three times a week and actually cover every team in baseball?

Troy Tulowitzki is having a record year for a rookie shortstop, and should win the Gold Glove at that position. Due to the ESPN media blackout however, nobody in the country knows who he is. We wonder if the inability of the interns in Bristol to correctly type his name into the teleprompter is at fault. But the most likely assumption is the attempted assassination of any awards voting Tulowitzki may get.

Matt Holliday is the National League MVP in reality, but reality has a well known geographical bias in that it takes place in areas not on the coast. ESPN also doesn't have a programming deal with reality, so it has to take less time to make room for more NASCAR promos.

It is of course possible, that being located in US America has made ESPN unable to get maps that accurately show the city of Denver as existing, and this should be rectified if it is indeed the case.

Joe Torre Is Just Resting His Eyes

2007-09-25T23:19:00.000-04:00

With the Yankees' loss tonight to the Tampa Bay Rays (we're cutting-edge), you can just about call it a night on the American League's regular season. The Indians have made up for the failures of the last two season, the Angels have cruised past their flawed rivals, and there will be no 1978 redux; the Red Sox have taken the American League East.

With that decided, we decided tonight would be a good time to talk about something we've been thinking for a long time but have been reluctant to putout there--Joe Torre is a bad manager AND doesn't particularly care what you think about it. Now, we were thinking about putting up a breakdown of all the games Joe Torre has personally blown/given away this season, but we were told that Blogger's software is incapable of storing and loading that amount of text.

Instead we will just look at tonight's game and point out where Joe went wrong and/or decided to throw the game because he has been asked to actually pay attention to what happens on the field for quite a while and that's just asking a lot from a man of his age, stature and condition and he would rather chillax until the playoffs start and he can watch Angels run wild on the basepaths while he does nothing to even attempt to upset their strategy.

1. Kei Igawa started
Roger Clemens has a "hamstring strain" and Kei was the "emergency starter." Now when Roger is out playing 18 with bff Andy Pettitte and throwing down shrimp cocktails at Scores that evening, will we be expected to believe he has a strained hamstring? Face the facts, Roger Clemens is 59 years old--something is hurting at all times. Joe paid him off in Propecia and Nasonex.

2. Edwar Ramirez pitched
Maybe you don't know who Edwar Ramirez is... and you shouldn't. He sucks. Edwar is the guy that got caught up in the afterglow of Joba Chamberlain/Phil Hughes/Ian Kennedy's legitimately good rookie seasons. In years past, Edwar would not only find himself out of a job at the Major League level for the Yankees, but DFA'd and on the Royals. Instead, everyone has decided to be like "but look, we can produce pitching!!1!" and let this guy hang himself repeatedly. For an example of (1) why Edwar will most likely not be long for the Yankees and (2) why Joe Torre is an idiot, read this.

3. Brian Bruney pitched right after Edwar
I can't even summon up the strength to insult this guy. Just get him out of my sight. You let up multiple runs in relief to a team that can't even decide whether it's named after an animal with a negative Q rating or the sunlight that will never penetrate the ceiling of its aesthetic disaster of a home ballpark. Take your things and leave.

4. Jeff Karstens lost the game
Yeah, Jeff Karstens. I mean, there isn't a division title or anything on the line... let's go to Jeff Karstens and see what happens. It's not like he has a 10.43 ERA, has amassed 4 losses in 7 appearances, or has issued 9 walks in 15 innings or anything.

All I ask is that Joe simply take a few days off in the future rather than throw games so he can go back to napping on the bench with his hand down his pants.

Week 3: Marc Bulger DID A BAD JOB

2007-09-24T00:18:00.000-04:00

Things should have been going well in Tampa for the Rams today. The Predator was finally producing, carrying the ball thirty times and dragging defenders forward in a way we haven't seen without there being a kick ass Irish folk soundtrack in the background.

But things weren't going well, because Marc Bulger must have been playing against himself in Fantasy this week.

Wait was that pass really picked off by Phillip Buchanan? Why yes, yes it was. Wait, Barret Ruud too? Wow, he's not even trying to hide the fact he wants to lose this game, is he?

17/26 116 Yards 3 INT

When Jeff Garcia vastly outplays you, and the game is not taking place in Calgary, Alberta YOU DID A BAD JOB...TERRIBLE JOB.

Randy McMichael seemed pretty pissed that Marc Bulger couldn't get him the ball, somebody better go check and see if Mrs. McMichael needs medical attention or if she managed to lock herself in the bathroom in time.

Honorable Mentions:

Mike Shanahan
Ladanian Tomlinson
Matt Leinart

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Week 3: Brett Favre is a FUCKIN SOLDIER

2007-09-24T00:09:00.000-04:00

What if we said to you that Brett Favre is the best QB of all time? You'd have a problem, no? Well it's not any more ridiculous that thinking Dan Marino is the greatest QB of all time. That stat-whore specialty took a big blow today when Favre took one of Dan's empty loser stats on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field. We really couldn't be happier.

The team that will not be named took yet another game for granted despite the fact that they have done absolutely nothing in the past to justify that kind of hubris, and Favre took advantage--striking San Diego for 3 touchdowns and almost 400 yards through the air. All of this despite the fact that we cannot name a single player on the Green Bay offense other than Favre and Donald Driver; and even then We're not sure that Driver is actually a legit NFL player and not just the right skinny fast guy in the right place at the right time. is Edgar Bennett still in the league?

Favre's annual cock-teasing of the Packers does get annoying for us all, but it seems that he made the right decision this time. The Fearsome Faceless Forum that the sometimes-proud Packers have become moves to 3-0 on the arm of their sugar daddy. We are so, so, so sorry Aaron. Things will get better one day.

Even better, we watched a clip of LTBNRLT crying at his postgame press conference on US America Maps' Sunday Football National Night Thingy on NBC. A glorious day all around for lovers of the sport.

28/45, 369yds, 3TDs, SOLDIER

A SOLDIER FIGHTS ON UNTIL THE UNWORTHY ARE FORGOTTEN

Summary of SOLDIER Criteria, Eligibility & Requirements:

1. Win
2. Play before Sunday night, the primetime games get too much attention.
3. Be soldierly

Commissar Goodell Trotsky's Pats Tapes

2007-09-20T22:07:00.000-04:00

Here at PROTECT the SHIELD we take the NFL's image very seriously. Just like its Commissar, Roger Goodell.

So we certainly applaud the decision of the Commissar to erase the evidence, the very existence even, of the Patriot's recent crime against the SHIELD.

"All tapes, documents and other records relating to this matter were turned over to the league office and destroyed, and the Patriots have certified in writing that no copies or other records exist.

The NFL then burned the note.

No word on whether either Bill Belichick or Bob Kraft will be brained by an icepick.

Week 2: The Cincinnati Bengals defense DID A BAD JOB

2007-09-17T19:10:00.000-04:00

Last night, if you had told us that Carson Palmer would throw for four touchdowns we would have been completely confident of a Cincinnati win against the Browns. If you'd told us that Carson Palmer would throw for six touchdowns, we would have bet a considerable sum on the Bengals.

There's no way you lose when your quarterback throws six touchdowns, unless you're playing Kliff Kingsbury with a double T emblazoned on his jet black helmet.

So, we look at the Cincinnati vs. Cleveland game and see Carson Palmer having the best Sunday since he woke up next to five co-eds after winning the Rose Bowl, Who's Your Momma running all over the Cleveland secondary. Ocho Cinco is catching so many touchdowns that he's going to have to hire a new choreographer, he's running out of celebrations already. Rudi Johnson is gaining yards by the basket full, and even Tory Holt's third cousin is scoring touchdowns.

...and the Bengals are losing. To Cleveland.

Cleveland is a team with an offense so bad there were coin flips to determine the starter in the pre-season. Charlie Frye was traded two days after starting. People who took Braylon Edwards in fantasy leagues are drinking to forget it. Lance Corporal Kellen Winslow is getting ready to mutiny.

Apparently the cure to all of that is to play the Bengals. Derek Anderson is out there looking like Dan Fouts or Warren Moon and Jamal Lewis was running his 5.5 forty for 200+ yards.

Because the Cincinnati defense did a BAD JOB...A TERRIBLE JOB

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Week 2: Kyle Boller is a FUCKIN SOLDIER

2007-09-16T18:07:00.000-04:00

This is the story of a kid who just wanted to throw the football. It didn’t matter if it was from his knees at the fifty yard line through the goal posts, or to Travis Taylor and Randy Hymes, Kyle Boller just wanted to do his duty.

But despite Kyle's utter lack of competent teammates, the Baltimore Ravens decided to bring in Steve McNair, a man who the Titans deemed to be the biggest danger to himself around exercise equipment since Chris Benoit, to replace him.

McNair used his powers of deception to fool the sports media into thinking he was decent, and Boller was relegated to the reserve trench while McNair led on the front lines. Until last week, when the siege against Boller ended as McNair retreated due to casualties. K-Bol got the nod this week.

Even though he was lining up in a backfield that only possessed two knees, his own, Boller emerged as a man, solid as a rock and proud as a peacock. HOT HOT HOT.

23/35 185 Yards 2 TD and 1 career redeemed.

A SOLDIER KNOWS HOW TO RESPOND TO ADVERSITY.

Summary of SOLDIER Criteria, Eligibility & Requirements:

1. Win
2. Play before Sunday night, the primetime games get enough attention
3. Be soldierly

Week1: Steven Jackson DID A BAD JOB

2007-09-10T17:00:00.000-04:00

When playing the Panthers, you go into the game knowing that Jake Delhomme with throw at least 50% of his passes to Steve Smith and not understand the concept of ball control. Therefore all that's necessary is a consistent run game.

If you're touted as the #3 best back in the NFL, and are the star of commercials where you drag Lance Briggs by your dreadlocks to the endzone, chances are you should succeed.

Not if you're STEVEN JACKSON, who today killed the fantasy hopes of young men everywhere while costing his team an easy win. Jackson fumbled on two consecutive carries in the fourth quarter, allowing Rain Man under center for the Panthers an opportunity to put up more points on the board by aimlessly tossing to Steve Smith.

18 Carries 58 Yards 2 lost fumbles.

IF YOU TAKE OFF THE ENTIRE PRESEASON, SUIT UP FOR 58 YARDS AND COUGH THE BALL UP TWICE IN KEY SITUATIONS, YOU DID A BAD JOB, A TERRIBLE JOB.

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Week 1: Randy Moss is a FUCKIN SOLDIER

2007-09-09T16:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome back ladies (lol) and gentlemen. We have an old friend around for our new year of SOLDIER. We're pretty tired and have to watch Tiki Barber assasinate Eli Manning's character on the SNF pregame show, so this will be shorter than usual... but just know that Randy says you can all kiss his ass, and that maybe he's pull his dick out next time and shake it around. He wanted to play today--and I suspect he'll be wanting to play a lot this season. The rebirth begins.

9rec 183yds 1td

A SOLDIER DOES NOT APPRECIATE IT WHEN YOU COUNT HIM OUT. THAT'S STRAIGHT BULL****, HOMIE

"I don't need to revitalize nothin'."

Summary of SOLDIER Criteria, Eligibility & Requirements:

1. Win
2. Play before Sunday night, the primetime games get too much attention.
3. Be soldierly