The Colts are the NFL's Dexter

If you are not watching Dexter on Showtime, you are truly missing out on the best show on television. For those of you who are culturally inept, Dexter is a serial killer; but Dexter only kills other murderers. He protects the innocent and avenges injustices.

We usually dislike the Colts, we have nightmares of Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison burning Darrent Williams and Roc Alexander.

The Colts have not lost a game since last December, they continue to screw us over in fantasy football, and yet we will be rooting for them heavily this week.

Why? Because they are playing the Patriots, the NFL's force of true evil. We need the Colts to kill the Patriots. We need them to act like Dexter and use their forces of lesser evil to defeat those that serve to shatter the foundations of our society.

WTF is with Jason Whitlock?

At times it appears that Jason Whitlock has dreams of becoming the Ann Coulter of the sports world. We hope that this does not lead to black cocktail dresses becoming a staple of Mr. Whitlock's wardrobe, however.

After defending Don Imus and attacking Scoop Jackson for being a "ghetto clown," Whitlock must have realized that the time was ripe for him to create more controversy and get himself more attention to try and boost his ego.

Whitlock's latest column makes it a point to state that the NFL's two best teams (New England and Indianapolis) are the least black. However, Whitlock does not actually phrase it that way, throwing in players of non-white ethnic backgrounds into the mix in order to say that these teams are the "whitest". Whitlock counts players with names like Gonzalez, Guiterrez, Seau, and our favorite Naivote Taulawakeiaho Keiaho as examples of the "whiteness" of the two teams.

Whitlock then goes off on absurd statements about the vague boogeyman of "hip hop culture" that is a favorite of people as culturally aware as Bill O'Reilly. This passage stands out.

Football fans are aware of [Marvin] Lewis' love affair with Chad Johnson, the Flavor Flav of the gridiron. Johnson's insistence on conducting a minstrel show during games has long been reluctantlytolerated by Lewis.

The audacity of Whitlock to use a cultural institution that showed blacks joyously spending time on plantations is incredible to us. Whitlock is not ignorant of the absurdity of his comparison, he is using it to stoke controversy so more people will read his idiotic columns.

The worst part is that this trash is not even original. Whitlock used the exact same insult in an interview over a year ago. Talk about phoning it in.

Whitlock claims to be angry with players who have a me first attitude and try to draw attention to themselves. This coming from a man who wrote an open letter to Elvis Grbac in the Kansas City Star immediately after he became the Chiefs' starting quarterback to bash him before he even threw a pass. Including this gem in the letter.

"Hey, man. Remember me?" it opened ominously. "Black dude, about 6 feet 4, looks like a young Denzel Washington only more muscular?"

Ooooooookay, Jason.

But what does Chad Johnson do? He choreographs touchdown celebrations that are flamboyant. What is the problem with this? The Canadian Football League has no rules on touchdown celebrations. Teams regularly choreograph group dances and skits.

Recent dances include five Calgary Stampeders receivers celebrating a touchdown against the rival Saskatchewan Roughriders by holding out their hands and each pretending the football was a champagne bottle. They popped the cork, poured drinks for all and then stumbled around like they were drunk. Their latest end-zone routine was a simulated bobsleigh run — receiver Jeremaine Copeland sat down and wrapped his legs around the goal-line pylon. The rest of the receiving corps tucked in behind him, and the players swayed together in a pretend trip down a bobsleigh track. A very creative sketch by the same team was the four person stationary bicycle, which all players played a role for the bicycle.

Here's a video of Toronto Argonauts players pretending the football is a hand grenade, throwing it in the air and then playing dead as it hits the ground. And here's another dance from the Winnipeg Blue Bombers.

Those touchdown celebrations include white players, so I highly doubt that any CFL fans who may find it disrespectful make allusions to minstrel shows in their criticisms of it. That would be blatantly unacceptable, just as it should be with Whitlock.

The problem here, is not the actions of black athletes in the NFL, it is columnists and demagogues like Whitlock who wish to generalize an entire group of Americans as holding the same "hip hop culture" because of the color of their skin. Chad Johnson is a cocky athlete who likes to celebrate. In this he joins athletes of every skin color across the planet, from soccer stars in Europe to white baseball players who skip down the baseline after they hit a home run.

Why is it acceptable to hold all black Americans accountable for actions by one individual that you find to be disrespectful? Why is it acceptable to slander black athletes that are difficult to coach when athletes from every corner of the globe are difficult to coach?

The simple and obvious answer is that is not.

Jason Whitlock is an idiot and a hypocrite. He claims that black athletes draw attention to themselves for no reason other than to gain the attention itself. Something that he believes to be inspired by some evil "hip hop culture." We will leave you with this quote from the Columbia Journalism Review on Whitlock.

"Most of you already know that Gretz is a joke," wrote Whitlock, "and that it would take a sledgehammer, two crowbars, a flame thrower, mace, and a stick of dynamite to remove his lips from Peterson's backside."

These and other personal jabs have cost Whitlock some respect among his Star colleagues - one sportswriter denounced him at a staff meeting - but boosted his standing with what editor Brisbane calls "our young, alienated, anti-establishment readers." "It's not about breaking news any more," worries Bob Moore, the Chiefs' public relations director. "It's about breaking chops."

Hypocrite.

Week 6: Joey Porter DID A BAD JOB

We feel bad for Jason Taylor, we really do; even though he committed outright theft of the Defensive Player of the Year award in 2006. Mr. Taylor must feel like he's using a pick axe to chip away at a mountain every Sunday. A mountain that was created by the thoughts of his ten horrendous teammates. Like in the Never Ending Story. And just like Bastian in Fantastica we need to give the Dolphins defense a name. We'll shoot for oh, let's say:

JOEY PORTER

Now, we have no idea if Joey Porter feels guilty for perpetrating an even more blatant robbery than Taylor did. $32 million may be more criminal to steal than an award, in fact. Joey Porter put on Junior Seau's number, and apparently his arthritis came as a package deal. The guy is terrible. He guaranteed a win against Oakland, and all seemed well until the Raiders rushed for 299 yards and Daunte Culpepper made it rain all over Miami.

It's to the point where we imagine that Dolphins fans are locking and loading to shoot Mr. Porter in the ass to try and rejuvenate his career. Hey, it worked once, right? Porter has ZERO sacks this entire season and is on pace for a whopping fifty tackles.

Vice Admiral Kellen Winslow outright stomped on Porter and the rest of the Miami line backing corps, in what we wonder is possibly some conspiracy by the Ginn family to make sure Brady Quinn stays on the bench so Teddy and Cam aren't stabbed by an angry mob after Quinn lights up the league. The Ginn family engineered the further rise of Derek Anderson.

We now quote Joey Porter on Commodore Kellen Winslow.

"It was late, that's what faggots do. He's soft. He wants to be tough but he's really soft."

And he was so soft he lit your ass up.

IF YOU CANNOT KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND ARE CONSTANTLY WRONG WHILE SINGLEHANDEDLY TANKING THE ECONOMY OF SOUTH FLORIDA WITH YOUR RIDICULOUS SALARY YOU DID A BAD JOB...A TERRIBLE JOB.

Honorable Mentions:

Santana Moss
Kurt Warner
Dom Capers
Chicago Bears defense

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Week 5: Mike Shanahan DID A BAD JOB

The San Diego Chargers are a bad football team, so bad in fact that it is possible Mike Shanahan woke up last Monday and saw San Diego on the schedule and thought "hmm, we have two bye weeks in a row."

How hard could it be? The Broncos play their games higher than any other team in the NFL, and that was before they signed Travis Henry. The altitude gives the Broncos an advantage that is difficult for any team to overcome.

Shanahan then proceeded to be out coached by Norv Turner, something that our stat department says has never happened in the history of football. It's the football equivalent of that ball hogging autistic kid draining eleven threes to run up the score.

Now, last season the Broncos were contending for first place until they changed QBs from THE SNAKE to THE GUNSLINGER. THE GUNSLINGER then proceeded to lose three games and the Broncos were eliminated from playoff contention.

So the obvious decision was to fire the defensive coordinator. The Broncos hired Jim Bates who shored up Denver's defensive line by signing free-lance fat person Sam Adams to fatten up the front seven.

Sir Fattington couldn't do anything to stop Michael Turner from rushing for 150 yards in relief of LTBNRLT who could only muster 3.2 YPC after wearing himself out from all the post game press conference crying over the past two weeks.

After the game, Phillip Rivers called the Broncos defense "Vanilla", and if anybody knows Vanilla, it's Phillip Rivers.

IF YOU COACH A TEAM SO POORLY THAT THEY LOSE AT HOME BY THE WORST MARGIN IN FORTY YEARS TO A TEAM THAT IS A WALKING PUNCH LINE, YOU DID A BAD JOB...A TERRIBLE JOB.


Honorable Mentions:

Shaun Alexander
Drew Brees
Larry Johnson


What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Belts, shoelaces confiscated in San Diego

It's been a tough week to be a San Diego sports fan. The Padres choked away the season over the weekend, and the Chargers playoff chances have been AJ Smithed, leading the entire Bolts Nation to long for the days of 2nd and 12 draw plays, heralding the promise of Marty Ball.

With LTBNRLT crying at press conferences, and Jake Peavy showing that his choking is no longer an illusion of sample size, we have to believe that most of San Diego is currently on suicide watch.

Padres bloggers are giving their own LTBNRLT press conferences as well. Over at Gaslamp Ball they're lashing out at the world, accusing Matt Holliday of roiding. This coming from fans of a team that includes not one, but both Giles brothers. Irony abounds. Supernatural conspiracy theories are also being invoked.

It just seems a little indicative of the fact that deep down inside, everybody knew that something else was working against the Padres. Call it a curse. Call it a lack of faith. There was something else working against us and it was palpable and it would not be satisfied until we were eliminated.

Obviously they have forgotten that the Colorado Rockies are the chosen team of Jesus Christ,the only Son of God, begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father.

But we urge San Diego fans to move on from the denial phase and accept that purely natural forces were at work, like Trevor Hoffman's blocked esophagus. Embrace the choke, learn to live with it.

Don't Stop BOLLieving!

We don't understand exactly why Brian Billick and the rest of the Ravens coaching staff hates Kyle Boller. When he was a Fuckin Soldier in Week 2 the write up for that week made it clear just how baffling we found the decision replace him with the aging Steve McNair.

The stars aligned for Baltimore, and McNair missed time with injury for three consecutive weeks, and Kyle Boller stepped in and showed himself to be clearly the superior quarterback.

We noticed that Steve McNair once again got the start against Cleveland, and our thoughts were immediately "WTF? Are they blind?"

Apparently the Ravens coaching staff is. McNair threw the ball nearly 55 times and yet he still couldn't get into the endzone until garbage time, throwing an interception and allowing the Derek Anderson led Browns to throttle Baltimore.

The people of Baltimore need to step up and demand a change, they need to start to BOLLieve in Kyle.

Be a BOLLievER! Demand change, reap the rewards, Baltimore.

Unfortunate celebration snapshots

The champagne fueled celebrations across the baseball world that happen annually at the end of September are a tradition. They're All-American, wholesome fun. It would, of course, be juvenile to take sections of these celebrations out of context and then laugh at how, uh... silly, they look as a result So why is this photo currently on the main page of ESPN.com?



We believe ESPN could have made a better choice. Something along the lines of this would be appropriate next time, we believe. Clean, wholesome, and something that the people of Boston (or Philadelphia) would obviously embrace.

Week 4: Brian Griese DID A BAD JOB

Was the competition for BAD JOB tough this week, or what?

Marc Bulger was doing his very best to become the first back to back winner in the history of our humble award, Phillip Rivers was playing so bad that he was making Chargers fans wish, inexplicably along with Saints fans, that Drew Brees was still in San Diego.

And at Shea Stadium Tom Glavine gave up a touchdown to the Florida Marlins in one third of an inning in his bid to become the first cross-sport winner.

Unfortunately, we only reward bad play on the gridiron here at BAD JOB and thankfully one player set himself apart with his horrible play today.

Brian Griese seemed to have everything going for him at one point including being blessed with great genes. How many NFL quarterbacks can say that their dads won a Super Bowl despite having a white running back? Griese will certainly be the last, because Bulger Jr. won't be hearing any such stories from his pops this week.

After riding the bench in Chicago Griese was spending long nights with his iPod Nano listening, pleading along with Leslie Feist "One, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more...than Rex Grossman."

And Lovie Smith did just that this week, starting Griese over Sexy Rexy against the Lions. It didn't work out like everybody in Chicago was hoping for, even though they weren't hoping for much. Griese was playing catch less with his receivers and more with the Detroit Lions secondary culminating with a patented Griese 65 yard pick six to Keith Smith to give Detroit the lead.

Devin Hester was having Larry Coker flashbacks and couldn't take this losing **** anymore, he juked out fifteen guys in an attempt to help Griese, but it wasn't enough.

3 INTERCEPTIONS

WHEN THE HOPES OF AN ENTIRE CITY ARE RESTING ON YOU TO JUST NOT SUCK, AND YOU DO, YOU DID A BAD JOB...A TERRIBLE JOB.

Honorable Mentions:

Marc Bulger
Phillip Rivers
Willie Parker
Miami Run Defense
Tom Glavine

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness