Week 4: Brian Griese DID A BAD JOB

Was the competition for BAD JOB tough this week, or what?

Marc Bulger was doing his very best to become the first back to back winner in the history of our humble award, Phillip Rivers was playing so bad that he was making Chargers fans wish, inexplicably along with Saints fans, that Drew Brees was still in San Diego.

And at Shea Stadium Tom Glavine gave up a touchdown to the Florida Marlins in one third of an inning in his bid to become the first cross-sport winner.

Unfortunately, we only reward bad play on the gridiron here at BAD JOB and thankfully one player set himself apart with his horrible play today.

Brian Griese seemed to have everything going for him at one point including being blessed with great genes. How many NFL quarterbacks can say that their dads won a Super Bowl despite having a white running back? Griese will certainly be the last, because Bulger Jr. won't be hearing any such stories from his pops this week.

After riding the bench in Chicago Griese was spending long nights with his iPod Nano listening, pleading along with Leslie Feist "One, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more...than Rex Grossman."

And Lovie Smith did just that this week, starting Griese over Sexy Rexy against the Lions. It didn't work out like everybody in Chicago was hoping for, even though they weren't hoping for much. Griese was playing catch less with his receivers and more with the Detroit Lions secondary culminating with a patented Griese 65 yard pick six to Keith Smith to give Detroit the lead.

Devin Hester was having Larry Coker flashbacks and couldn't take this losing **** anymore, he juked out fifteen guys in an attempt to help Griese, but it wasn't enough.

3 INTERCEPTIONS

WHEN THE HOPES OF AN ENTIRE CITY ARE RESTING ON YOU TO JUST NOT SUCK, AND YOU DO, YOU DID A BAD JOB...A TERRIBLE JOB.

Honorable Mentions:

Marc Bulger
Phillip Rivers
Willie Parker
Miami Run Defense
Tom Glavine

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

ESPN has covered up the existence of an entire timezone

Major League Baseball contains a franchise located between St. Louis and Phoenix. You would not know this if you watched ESPN, though due to the media blackout that Bristol has placed over the Colorado Rockies.

Despite the fact that the Rockies have the best record in the National League since May 1st, ESPN has saw fit to ignore them on Sports Center and Baseball Tonight. Not that we really wish to hear Eric Young's opinions on hardball played in the inter-mountain west, but still. Maybe we can cut down on the segments where Steve Phillips has a battle royale with himself three times a week and actually cover every team in baseball?

Troy Tulowitzki is having a record year for a rookie shortstop, and should win the Gold Glove at that position. Due to the ESPN media blackout however, nobody in the country knows who he is. We wonder if the inability of the interns in Bristol to correctly type his name into the teleprompter is at fault. But the most likely assumption is the attempted assassination of any awards voting Tulowitzki may get.

Matt Holliday is the National League MVP in reality, but reality has a well known geographical bias in that it takes place in areas not on the coast. ESPN also doesn't have a programming deal with reality, so it has to take less time to make room for more NASCAR promos.

It is of course possible, that being located in US America has made ESPN unable to get maps that accurately show the city of Denver as existing, and this should be rectified if it is indeed the case.

Joe Torre Is Just Resting His Eyes

With the Yankees' loss tonight to the Tampa Bay Rays (we're cutting-edge), you can just about call it a night on the American League's regular season. The Indians have made up for the failures of the last two season, the Angels have cruised past their flawed rivals, and there will be no 1978 redux; the Red Sox have taken the American League East.

With that decided, we decided tonight would be a good time to talk about something we've been thinking for a long time but have been reluctant to putout there--Joe Torre is a bad manager AND doesn't particularly care what you think about it. Now, we were thinking about putting up a breakdown of all the games Joe Torre has personally blown/given away this season, but we were told that Blogger's software is incapable of storing and loading that amount of text.

Instead we will just look at tonight's game and point out where Joe went wrong and/or decided to throw the game because he has been asked to actually pay attention to what happens on the field for quite a while and that's just asking a lot from a man of his age, stature and condition and he would rather chillax until the playoffs start and he can watch Angels run wild on the basepaths while he does nothing to even attempt to upset their strategy.

1. Kei Igawa started
Roger Clemens has a "hamstring strain" and Kei was the "emergency starter." Now when Roger is out playing 18 with bff Andy Pettitte and throwing down shrimp cocktails at Scores that evening, will we be expected to believe he has a strained hamstring? Face the facts, Roger Clemens is 59 years old--something is hurting at all times. Joe paid him off in Propecia and Nasonex.

2. Edwar Ramirez pitched
Maybe you don't know who Edwar Ramirez is... and you shouldn't. He sucks. Edwar is the guy that got caught up in the afterglow of Joba Chamberlain/Phil Hughes/Ian Kennedy's legitimately good rookie seasons. In years past, Edwar would not only find himself out of a job at the Major League level for the Yankees, but DFA'd and on the Royals. Instead, everyone has decided to be like "but look, we can produce pitching!!1!" and let this guy hang himself repeatedly. For an example of (1) why Edwar will most likely not be long for the Yankees and (2) why Joe Torre is an idiot, read this.

3. Brian Bruney pitched right after Edwar
I can't even summon up the strength to insult this guy. Just get him out of my sight. You let up multiple runs in relief to a team that can't even decide whether it's named after an animal with a negative Q rating or the sunlight that will never penetrate the ceiling of its aesthetic disaster of a home ballpark. Take your things and leave.

4. Jeff Karstens lost the game
Yeah, Jeff Karstens. I mean, there isn't a division title or anything on the line... let's go to Jeff Karstens and see what happens. It's not like he has a 10.43 ERA, has amassed 4 losses in 7 appearances, or has issued 9 walks in 15 innings or anything.


All I ask is that Joe simply take a few days off in the future rather than throw games so he can go back to napping on the bench with his hand down his pants.

Week 3: Marc Bulger DID A BAD JOB

Things should have been going well in Tampa for the Rams today. The Predator was finally producing, carrying the ball thirty times and dragging defenders forward in a way we haven't seen without there being a kick ass Irish folk soundtrack in the background.

But things weren't going well, because Marc Bulger must have been playing against himself in Fantasy this week.

Wait was that pass really picked off by Phillip Buchanan? Why yes, yes it was. Wait, Barret Ruud too? Wow, he's not even trying to hide the fact he wants to lose this game, is he?

17/26 116 Yards 3 INT

When Jeff Garcia vastly outplays you, and the game is not taking place in Calgary, Alberta YOU DID A BAD JOB...TERRIBLE JOB.

Randy McMichael seemed pretty pissed that Marc Bulger couldn't get him the ball, somebody better go check and see if Mrs. McMichael needs medical attention or if she managed to lock herself in the bathroom in time.


Honorable Mentions:

Mike Shanahan
Ladanian Tomlinson
Matt Leinart


What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Week 3: Brett Favre is a FUCKIN SOLDIER

What if we said to you that Brett Favre is the best QB of all time? You'd have a problem, no? Well it's not any more ridiculous that thinking Dan Marino is the greatest QB of all time. That stat-whore specialty took a big blow today when Favre took one of Dan's empty loser stats on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field. We really couldn't be happier.

The team that will not be named took yet another game for granted despite the fact that they have done absolutely nothing in the past to justify that kind of hubris, and Favre took advantage--striking San Diego for 3 touchdowns and almost 400 yards through the air. All of this despite the fact that we cannot name a single player on the Green Bay offense other than Favre and Donald Driver; and even then We're not sure that Driver is actually a legit NFL player and not just the right skinny fast guy in the right place at the right time. is Edgar Bennett still in the league?

Favre's annual cock-teasing of the Packers does get annoying for us all, but it seems that he made the right decision this time. The Fearsome Faceless Forum that the sometimes-proud Packers have become moves to 3-0 on the arm of their sugar daddy. We are so, so, so sorry Aaron. Things will get better one day.


Even better, we watched a clip of LTBNRLT crying at his postgame press conference on US America Maps' Sunday Football National Night Thingy on NBC. A glorious day all around for lovers of the sport.



28/45, 369yds, 3TDs, SOLDIER

A SOLDIER FIGHTS ON UNTIL THE UNWORTHY ARE FORGOTTEN








Summary of SOLDIER Criteria, Eligibility & Requirements:

1. Win
2. Play before Sunday night, the primetime games get too much attention.
3. Be soldierly

Commissar Goodell Trotsky's Pats Tapes

Here at PROTECT the SHIELD we take the NFL's image very seriously. Just like its Commissar, Roger Goodell.

So we certainly applaud the decision of the Commissar to erase the evidence, the very existence even, of the Patriot's recent crime against the SHIELD.

"All tapes, documents and other records relating to this matter were turned over to the league office and destroyed, and the Patriots have certified in writing that no copies or other records exist.

The NFL then burned the note.

No word on whether either Bill Belichick or Bob Kraft will be brained by an icepick.

Week 2: The Cincinnati Bengals defense DID A BAD JOB

Last night, if you had told us that Carson Palmer would throw for four touchdowns we would have been completely confident of a Cincinnati win against the Browns. If you'd told us that Carson Palmer would throw for six touchdowns, we would have bet a considerable sum on the Bengals.

There's no way you lose when your quarterback throws six touchdowns, unless you're playing Kliff Kingsbury with a double T emblazoned on his jet black helmet.

So, we look at the Cincinnati vs. Cleveland game and see Carson Palmer having the best Sunday since he woke up next to five co-eds after winning the Rose Bowl, Who's Your Momma running all over the Cleveland secondary. Ocho Cinco is catching so many touchdowns that he's going to have to hire a new choreographer, he's running out of celebrations already. Rudi Johnson is gaining yards by the basket full, and even Tory Holt's third cousin is scoring touchdowns.

...and the Bengals are losing. To Cleveland.

Cleveland is a team with an offense so bad there were coin flips to determine the starter in the pre-season. Charlie Frye was traded two days after starting. People who took Braylon Edwards in fantasy leagues are drinking to forget it. Lance Corporal Kellen Winslow is getting ready to mutiny.

Apparently the cure to all of that is to play the Bengals. Derek Anderson is out there looking like Dan Fouts or Warren Moon and Jamal Lewis was running his 5.5 forty for 200+ yards.

Because the Cincinnati defense did a BAD JOB...A TERRIBLE JOB

What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Week 2: Kyle Boller is a FUCKIN SOLDIER

This is the story of a kid who just wanted to throw the football. It didn’t matter if it was from his knees at the fifty yard line through the goal posts, or to Travis Taylor and Randy Hymes, Kyle Boller just wanted to do his duty.

But despite Kyle's utter lack of competent teammates, the Baltimore Ravens decided to bring in Steve McNair, a man who the Titans deemed to be the biggest danger to himself around exercise equipment since Chris Benoit, to replace him.

McNair used his powers of deception to fool the sports media into thinking he was decent, and Boller was relegated to the reserve trench while McNair led on the front lines. Until last week, when the siege against Boller ended as McNair retreated due to casualties. K-Bol got the nod this week.

Even though he was lining up in a backfield that only possessed two knees, his own, Boller emerged as a man, solid as a rock and proud as a peacock. HOT HOT HOT.

23/35 185 Yards 2 TD and 1 career redeemed.

A SOLDIER KNOWS HOW TO RESPOND TO ADVERSITY.

Summary of SOLDIER Criteria, Eligibility & Requirements:

1. Win
2. Play before Sunday night, the primetime games get enough attention
3. Be soldierly

Week1: Steven Jackson DID A BAD JOB

When playing the Panthers, you go into the game knowing that Jake Delhomme with throw at least 50% of his passes to Steve Smith and not understand the concept of ball control. Therefore all that's necessary is a consistent run game.

If you're touted as the #3 best back in the NFL, and are the star of commercials where you drag Lance Briggs by your dreadlocks to the endzone, chances are you should succeed.

Not if you're STEVEN JACKSON, who today killed the fantasy hopes of young men everywhere while costing his team an easy win. Jackson fumbled on two consecutive carries in the fourth quarter, allowing Rain Man under center for the Panthers an opportunity to put up more points on the board by aimlessly tossing to Steve Smith.

18 Carries 58 Yards 2 lost fumbles.


IF YOU TAKE OFF THE ENTIRE PRESEASON, SUIT UP FOR 58 YARDS AND COUGH THE BALL UP TWICE IN KEY SITUATIONS, YOU DID A BAD JOB, A TERRIBLE JOB.


What it means to DO A BAD JOB:

1. Lose
2. Be one of the main reasons your team lost
3. General terriblelyness

Week 1: Randy Moss is a FUCKIN SOLDIER

Welcome back ladies (lol) and gentlemen. We have an old friend around for our new year of SOLDIER. We're pretty tired and have to watch Tiki Barber assasinate Eli Manning's character on the SNF pregame show, so this will be shorter than usual... but just know that Randy says you can all kiss his ass, and that maybe he's pull his dick out next time and shake it around. He wanted to play today--and I suspect he'll be wanting to play a lot this season. The rebirth begins.

9rec 183yds 1td


A SOLDIER DOES NOT APPRECIATE IT WHEN YOU COUNT HIM OUT. THAT'S STRAIGHT BULL****, HOMIE


"I don't need to revitalize nothin'."


Summary of SOLDIER Criteria, Eligibility & Requirements:

1. Win
2. Play before Sunday night, the primetime games get too much attention.
3. Be soldierly